Growing up my family and I moved around a lot. We never stayed in any one place for more than a few years. I went to five different elementry schools in six years. I never could develop healthy attachments with anyone.
I remeber being the new kid in junior high, and getting in a fight the second week of school. It was not the first time, nor would it be the last. This would happen whenever we changed schools, and girls picked on me.
At the time, I was just coming out of that awkward gaukines, one can only attain in adolescents.
I was blossoming into womanhood.
This did me no favors, being the new girl and all. I remember not feeling comfortable in my own skin, and being the mean girls target. It didn’t take long for me to get sick of their shit, which lead to me getting beat up under the oak tree at lunch time.
Oh, to be young again.
Deep down I was always looking for someone, anyone to see my worth. To feel like I was seen. Truly seen. Not just for how I looked, but for who I was, and what I could become.
I did have worth, I just didn’t know it yet.
I was constantly trying to fit in where I didn’t belong.
I have spent most of my life with this burden. Trying to connect with others is just straight up hard for me. The awkward adolescent still lurks beneath. On the outside, I have been called pretty, beautiful even. The inside never matched the outside.
Even now, I feel tattered and worn. I have seen to much ugliness with these eyes. My body has suffered as well. From weight gain to child birth, I have not been kind to my body. Our body is our temple, and mine is a little worse for the wear.
I’m working on changing all that.
Although, I feel the exhaustion of life, I also have new feelings like hope, and gratitude for the experiences that made me who I am. I am no longer looking for my worth in others. I now look to myself for my happiness.
It helps that I finally learned to form healthy attachments the day I met my other half. He sees me. He sees my worth and pushes me to do whatever I need to, to attain my own happiness.
He’s secure enough in himself, to want me to to have that same security within my own self. He wants me to go back to school at 33 years old, so I can major in Sociology with an emphasis on Human Services.
Even if it takes me years.
He’s willing to take care of everything else at home as well as financially for me, so I can do this one thing for myself. He believes I can do it. Even better, I know I can.
We shouldn’t look to others for our worth, but sometimes it gets lost for awhile, and we need that extra set of eyes to help us find it.
“His love roared louder than her demons”